Relationships form the fabric of our lives and can comprise our most joyous as well as most difficult moments. Some appear in our lives briefly; others may stay longer for myriad reasons. Although written with reference to couples, these principles can be applied to any relationship. The principles, found throughout the writings passed down from the ancients, are very simple, but not always easy.
If it is not working for you, it is not working for the other
Not everyone is meant stay together. Some personality blends can be understood through the analogy of a chemical reaction: there may be a strawberry sitting on the counter and it is perfectly fine. You, sitting across the kitchen at the table, are perfectly fine. But if you are allergic to strawberries and you eat the strawberry, there is no way to reconcile yourself to avoiding the experience of the allergic reaction. Even when we care for or love that person, the chemistry is just not compatible. It is sometimes that way with people; we may bring out the worst in each other when in a close relationship. One partner may suffer more consciously in a relationship than the other, but if the incompatibility continues to fester, the reality is that it is not working for either one.
Are your basic values are reasonably aligned?
You may have few common interests with a long-term partner and still have an amazing relationship. If one prefers to stay up late while the other goes to sleep early, it does not really matter because these things can be worked out if both are willing. What does matter is that your basic values align. Basic values are different than “chemistry” or preferences. Basic values are foundational building stones forming one’s underlying operating system. For example, one who values committed reliability will clash with one whose values complete freedom from responsibility or a career-oriented partner may be incompatible with a family-oriented partner. Basic values are the glue that holds people together during life’s inevitable up and downs. (Hexagram 32).
What truly contributes to contentment in your partner’s life.
This refers to certain specific conditions which help each of us thrive. If you can suspend your own instinctive judgements and take some time to observe the person in your life, you will see what activities or situations bring them satisfaction. From there you can work out ways to support these endeavors because, even when your basic values are the same, we need to be able to experience joy in our individuality. You may find ways to join in, even if it is not your own first preference or to provide some material support or encouragement. Relationships are always more joyful when each partner takes the time and care to ensure the other has access to satisfying activity.
Look for the ways you are being shown love.
Our way of caring for others is directed by heredity, personality, cultural and environmental considerations, among many others. It is common to assume that our intentions are clear without realizing others may not recognize them because they see life through a completely different lens. Some live in the mental realm of thought processes, analysis and exchange of ideas while others are motivated through instinctive, immediate activity and action, often without conscious forethought. Some find motivation through the external, material realm (this does not refer the negative side materialism, but a genuine admiration and appreciation for natural or man-made objects). Still others are inspired by empathy, deep and often wordless emotional bonds. Now imagine how each would express their love – sharing ideas, suggesting a spontaneous activity, presenting a gift or suddenly appearing right at the times when you most need some kind of emotional support. Although motivations are not always as clear cut as these examples, it can be a rewarding experience to see how many times others actually do reach out in love — once you learn to recognize it. This practice will teach you not to become complacent about your relationships, and you will be able to see changes as people grow and react accordingly.
Deliberate cultivation of things you like and admire.
It is common that a non-issue or even attractive feature at the beginning of a relationship can become irritating with the passage of time. Within the irritation is an opportunity to notice your train of thought going into negative directions, perhaps making lists of little grievances which inevitably grow into larger complaints. These small annoyances not only eat into the joy of everyday life, but can place undue pressure on both parties, if only at a subconscious level. Again, as long as your basic values systems are aligned, it is possible to change direction by making an effort to take the time to look carefully at the other person and deliberately notice what you admire or love about them. Taking this conscious thought direction, not only when you are annoyed but other times throughout the day, is truly freeing. You may be surprised how your life becomes lighter, more pleasurable and has an uplifting effect on those around you.